Dear Future Self

Dear Future Self,

One day you are going to be reading your baby's book, and come across this blog. (Maybe it'll be printed out in a baby book, or maybe by then, your baby will be given an iPad with his birth certificate and this is still electronic. Either way, continue reading.) If you're anything like you are now, you will forget a lot of the lessons you've learned promptly after learning them. So I want to remind you of a couple things, just to be sure you never forget.

1. Remember the power of friendship. When you know someone is going through a hard time, remember to mail that card or send that text or bring over the dinner or show up to take them out for drinks. That person will never forget what you did or said or how that support made them feel. Also remember that a glass of wine really helps the soul.

2.  Remember that someday when you tell people you're expecting baby number three, it's possible that the news may make their heart skip a beat. However, just because they're fighting for a baby of their own, doesn't mean they aren't overjoyed for you. Remember that you were always elated for every friend or family member or colleague that told you they were pregnant during your journey. While it may remind that person of his/her own sadness, they are happy for you, just like you were happy for all your loved ones who grew their family before you could. The mind is weird like that; it can long for what someone has, but also be SO FREAKING PUMPED that their loved one has it.

3. When you have changed far more diapers and made far more bottles than him one day, remember your husband is your best friend. Remember the days he talked you through tears after something happened to trigger emotions of sadness or hopelessness of the future. Remember the days when he held your hand even tighter than he did during the FSU National Championship game. Remember the days your husband entertained your ideas of possibly not having kids, but then reminded you that he thinks this is a battle worth continuing. Remember the days he lifted you off the ground (only sometimes literally) and got you through the day. Remember the days your husband never missed one of the gazillion doctors appointments and kept your medicine more in order than you ever could. Remember the times you both laughed as you reminisced over the days where you used to care about the gender of the baby, and how you both could care less now.  Remember the days your husband went gluten-free with you, because there was a small chance that could help lower miscarriage rates.  Remember all of these things during your most sleep-deprived nights, when he is snoring and a baby is screaming.

4. Sometimes people say things without thinking.  Cut those people some slack.

Someone recently said to you, "Oh yes- I know exactly what you're going through. We had to almost see a fertility specialist after a few months of trying without getting pregnant. It was awful." That comment made you feel so isolated and angry. However, you had to be reminded that the person was trying to say, "I remember how heartbroken I was after unsuccessfully getting pregnant a couple of times, so I'm trying to relate to you because I love you."

Or when people have said, "You can always adopt!" and you've wanted to yell, "You have no idea about the process of adoption. You have no idea about those hurdles or the wait list. You have no idea about any of this!" Instead, you've had to learn that those people meant, "I have hope in your future."

So, future self, remember to cut people some slack when they say the wrong things. Chances are their hearts are in the right place. (And let's admit it, you have needed some slack given to you on some not-so-smart things you've said.)


5. Remember it's ok to be heartbroken. It's a lesson you're having some trouble learning. You've mastered how to be angry and confused. You've learned how to move forward and you've learned how to focus on hopeful things. You're beginning to understand that it's ok to admit that you're just plain sad, but it's still a tough reality for you to face. Like your favorite blogger 'Momastry' wrote, "Sometimes it's hard to be blue because you know you're supposed to be grateful for all you have. But please don't tell yourself you can't be sad because someone somewhere is sadder unless you're also going to refuse to be happy because somebody somewhere is happier."  So, future self, remember that the beauty of being brokenhearted is that your heart will be put back together again. No one stays broken forever. And if you've learned anything from all your trips antique shopping with your mother, it's that the cracks and warps and stains are what make it beautiful.

Most of all, future self, remember that life got really hard; but remember that you got through it.

Love,
You