We are nearly 16 weeks pregnant, and in the second trimester. (I'd say "time flies when you're having fun!", except that time hasn't flown. It's done more of a turtle crawl.) The little totsicle is now larger than an apple, has functioning organs, and apparently from the ultrasounds, loves to suck his/her thumb. My sister gave me little cards to read every week that describes how much the baby is growing. It is remarkable to be able to imagine it.
I've received lots of feedback with the "why haven't you written!?" or "is everything ok?!" And yes! Everything is great! However, we still feel this "Don't say it's great! Things could still go wrong!" feeling in the pit of our stomachs. We've had two friends who have recently gone through devastating losses. One lost her baby in the beginning of her third trimester, and one lost her little girl during delivery. Our hearts have broken with them. We are learning to juggle how to be excited, while also knowing that the only result we care about is one that ends in a healthy baby.
However, this blog has become both for my loved ones, but also for other people that may be in similar fertility situations. (A link to my blog was posted on a fertility website, so now have followers in a similar boat as we are.) So even with that pit in my stomach, I'm going to try to write more with more specific details.
To the new folks whom I don't know: I'm sorry you're reading this. I'm so sorry that you have reached the point where the Google searches of "infertility", or " surrogacy", or "gestational carrier" or "IVF" or "hyper-stimulation" or "I'm freaking the F out" has brought you here. I wish you were at Baby's R Us shopping for a stroller instead. However, all I can say is "you're going to be ok." (I don't even know this for myself, but I know that eventually, somehow, we're all going to be ok.) Most importantly, know you're not alone. We're all in this together.
Emotionally, I'd say Will and I are great a solid 85% of the time. We feel excited and blessed and thankful. But also super anxious. During our last appointment, as they were finding the heartbeat, I thought I may throw up. (Because it took them 5 seconds to find it, rather than the 1 second I prefer.) Katy even laughed and said "It's still in there- stop worrying!"
Katy is feeling great. She is constantly cold and sleeps 10 hours a night, but other than that, she's a rock star. Every time we see her, we high five. We got SO lucky. She's providing the perfect little nest for our tot.
We've now told all our close friends and family, which has helped make it seem more "real." I am constantly telling myself "Don't tell people. This is so weird. People think this is so weird." And when we do share with people, I still get shaken up about certain questions or feedback. (But at least I can acknowledge now that it probably rocks me more than it should. I was born sensitive, too late to change now!) For those of you that may be experiencing similar situations, I thought I'd be honest and open about my two biggest current sensitive buttons:
First: "You're so lucky!" I have the urge to cry and scream when people tell me that I'm lucky because my body won't have to heal post-pregnancy, or I'll be well-rested when the baby comes. I know people are trying to be nice, and tell me the "pro" side of this "situation." However, it mostly ends in me feeling more envious. If only they knew how much I'd love to experience the labor contractions, the ice diapers post birth, or the tender boobs. It really feels like they're just pointing out another part of pregnancy or motherhood that I'll never understand. So for those in my same boat, I have no words of wisdom on this topic... other than "breathe through the nose, and out the mouth".
Second: Breast Feeding.
Yes, I know "breast is best". Yes, I know I can take hormones to induce milk production. Yes, I know breast feeding is hard. Yes, I know breast feeding helps you bond. Yes, I know lots of children flourish on formula. Yes, I know formula has come a long way and yes, I know they make organic formula.
However, I still have the feeling that I may burst into tears at any moment when the topic comes up. Everyone seems to have thoughts or advice on the topic. (I had a photographer at a wedding talk to be about her opinion, and her doula's opinion, about what I should do. I knew her for 5 minutes.)
What I'd like to do: I'd like to be able to nurse without any hormones, without using a pump 6 months before the baby arrives, and without a tube connecting to my nipple that feeds my baby someone's else's milk. My second choice is to use formula that is just as great as breast milk, and will give my child all the anti-bodies that breast milk provides. However, people keep telling me neither of these are possible. (Damn Nay-sayers.)
What we hope to do: We've thought a LOT about it, and have done a LOT of research. For us, the best thing is that Katy has agreed to pump for us. The worst thing is that she's in Dallas. She won't do it long-term, but hopefully we can utilize her milk for awhile, and somehow figure out how to ship it to us at a reasonable cost. (I've heard dry ice and disposable coolers are the way to go, and about a week's shipment is $150. I'll update more when the time comes to give better advice on logistics for those who may need it!) Additionally, I have some sisters and friends who also have said I can use some of their extra milk, if/when they overproduce.
(To say this is an answered prayer is a huge understatement. My dear friend Jessica has become such a champion for me in this department. She said "at first my goal was to get enough mothers to help to get you through a year, but then I did the math on how much milk that is, and how much I can produce... So now I'm thinking one month!" I convinced her that maybe we should start with one week! :) )
We also know we'll also use formula. (There won't be enough milk, even with so many helpers!) So we've decided we'll use The Honest Company and/or Baby's Only (sold at Whole Foods and online.)
Maybe I won't bond in the same way that nursing mothers bond. There's never any way for any of us to know, I suppose. However, I have only carried some of my babies 8 weeks, and I was bonded. The love I have for this kiddo already feels overwhelming at times. And my best friend swears "The second you soothe him/her for the first time, I promise you'll be bonded!" So for now, I feel good about this decision.
(For those of you who may decide to still try to nurse through induced hormones, check out La Leche League- there's probably one in your area! They can help! http://www.llli.org/faq/adopt.html)
However, even with my sensitive buttons, I am overwhelmed with the support we've received. At first I was anxious about Will telling some of his male friends, since I wasn't sure I was ready for their reaction. But recently he had some friends over, and there was an ultrasound on the fridge. One friend said "whose baby is this?" Will answered with a simple "Mine." The guy congratulated him. Then 2 weeks later, I saw him when I was having a glass of wine. The friend said "oh yes, you can have a little, can't you?" I stuttered and said something like "um, well, um, yes, cause um, I'm not carrying. We, um, actually have, like, a carrier." He looked at my brother-in-law to make sure I wasn't joking, and then said "wow- cool. Congrats, guys!" and continued to pour himself a glass. Seemed like a small moment, but to me, felt huge. Maybe this isn't such a weird journey, after all.
Love to all,
Kendall and Will
ps. Yes- we ARE finding out the gender at the 20 week ultrasound! Stay tuned!
