It's been a rough couple weeks, folks. But we're still standing!
Week
before last was mostly just navigating through the physical pain.
Finally we had the surgery to remove the embryo, and on day 4 post-op, I
was finally off all pain medications and could generally function
again.
We've spent a lot of time reading about next steps and
deciding if going the route of a gestational carrier was for us. We've
talked with our doctor, spoken with a caseworker from a
surrogate/gestational carrier agency, and Googled so much about
surrogacy that I'm sure my internet pop-ups will now never be anything but
diapers and stroller ads.
One article we read was from Jimmy Fallon. He and his wife recently had a child born
via a carrier. He said; "We tried lots of things before, we told people and then it
didn't happen, and it's just really depressing. It's really hard on
everybody."
We know this is true. We love all of you
for crying and hurting with us, but we also recognize that this has been
hard on a lot of people. Hard on our families. Hard on relationships
with friends who may not completely understand why we have not
quite been ourselves. Hard on our careers. Hard on my body.
It's been hard.
So because of how difficult this has been, and because of the
direction and advice we've received from our doctors, we have decided to
move forward with a gestational carrier and stop trying with my body. We know we have completely
exhausted our current avenue, and while it has really sucked, we know
we've done all we could. We have tried naturally. We have tried being monitored constantly. We have tried drugs. We have tried IVF with genetically perfect embryos. We have been tested for everything under the sun. And so six miscarriages later, we now can positively confirm that my body/ immune system just isn't quite keen
on me carrying a baby. And while I am so sad, for lots of reasons, that I
won't be the one to bring our baby into the world, I am SO thankful
that we have another avenue. We have hope and excitement as we prepare
to go down the road a little less traveled.
Jimmy Fallon also said, "We tried for a long time. I know people have tried
much longer, but if there's anyone out there who is trying and they're
just losing hope... just hang in there. Try every avenue;
try anything you can do, 'cause you'll get there. You'll end up with a
family, and it's so worth it. It is the most 'worth it' thing. I'm just
so happy right now. I'm freaking out."
So for now we're
taking good ol' Jimmy's advice and we're just "hanging in there." We're
concentrating on the hope that someday we will have a baby with Will's bright
blue eyes and my bullheadedness. We are thankful that we can continue
with totsicles we already have and with a doctor we've grown to love and
trust. We are hopeful that our potential gestational carrier will become
part of our family, and that in the end, we'll get the baby God meant
for us to have.
I was telling my family last week that I don't
know for
certain how all this works, but I hope that the soul of our past babies
get to go back into the heavens and wait their turn to be picked again. I hope
that they will make their way down to Earth someday in a body
that is strong for all 40 weeks and will be greeted with the same love
and excitement that we had. My sister, Katie, said "Yes, those souls are
back out there. But the soul meant for you and Will is still waiting."
So with that, we wait with hope.
Love to all,
Kendall and Will
