Counting Down

oh em gee, you guys. We are 36 weeks today. (At first I thought that meant full-term, but apparently full-term isn't until 37 weeks. Whatever, Wikipedia, 36 weeks was my goal.) 

 

Can you believe this? We went from "We're going to deliver at 24 weeks!" to HolyMolyWeAreFullTerm. I'd like to say it went by very quickly (and some weeks it has). But generally speaking, I'm fairly certain Katy has been pregnant for 4.5 years.

 

We've continued with our weekly appointments, and little totsicle is doing pretty well. Sometimes he's hard-headed and doesn't move the required amount, so Katy has mastered which sugary drinks the little man likes in order to get him to "pass" his tests. (He is either the most laid back guy known to man, or he really likes all the extra attention he's getting.)

 

The biggest news is that we have SET THE DATE. We are delivering in TWO WEEKS. TWO! July 28th is D-Day. (We're delivering early for a couple reasons... long story.) Will and I were married January 28th, and Will's birthday is September 28th, so 28 is a lucky number in our house. When Katy called and said "How does July 28th sound as a day to have a baby?" I just began to cry. God loves making coincidences. We will update you on how he is upon his arrival, and if he is as preciously adorable as he looks in the ultrasounds. (I'm totally kidding. He looks like an alien in the ultrasounds. But E.T. was adorable, so I'm ok with it.)

Katy looks great, continues to amaze me with her positivity, and has become one of my closest friends. And as much as Katy amazes me, her kids amaze me even more. People have asked, "How are her kids handling this?" The answer is, "Better than most adults!" They are so generous and compassionate. Her three year old said this morning "Mama, is THIS the week we get to hold the baby?" Katy told her "two more weeks!" Then her daughter said, "ugh, that's what you said yesterday." (I feel ya, sweet darlin', time is movin at a snail's pace!) They hug the baby, kiss the baby, and read the baby stories. Her youngest even wanted to make sure I knew that I had to bring clothes to the hospital, cause the baby would be naked. How cute is that?! (I asked Katy if she'd just give me her 3-yr old instead of the baby she's currently growing. She didn't go for it.) As lucky as we are to have Katy, we're so lucky to have her kids, too.

 

But as lucky as I feel, several times the past few weeks I've struggled with feeling a bit isolated. I've been around a lot of pregnant folks recently, and at times struggled with feeling sorry for myself that I wasn't one of them, and/or having worries or anxiety about issues around our "situation."  

 

(Fertility gibberish defined: "intended parents", or IPs, are what Will and I are called. "Gestational Carrier", or GC, is what Katy is called.)

 

So when I get into one of these funks, it's been helpful to reach out to another IP, who has gone through it before me.  (I've learned that when one wants to feel less crazy, it's helpful to talk to someone who's been down the same path you're on.  More than likely, they'll make you feel less-crazy by telling you that they were equally-as-crazy when they were in your shoes. It's crazy how another crazy can make you less crazy). Learning this, it's made me start thinking about what I want other IPs to know.

 

THINGS I'VE LEARNED IN THE THIRD TRIMESTER:

(FOR ALL MY INTENDED-PARENTS OUT THERE)

 

- HAVE A BABY SHOWER.

Yall, if you knew how much I fought having a baby shower, you may never be my friend. (ie: At one point, I think it was a full-fledged temper-tantrum.)  I had such anxiety about it. Why, oh why, would I have a baby shower? That's weird. I'm not pregnant. This pregnancy journey has been full of such highs and lows. I want to just constantly yell at everyone "THINGS CAN STILL GO WRONG, PEOPLE!" A sweet friend of mine recently had a stillborn. Don't people know that you aren't out of the clear until your baby is HERE?? Why do you look so carefree in that pregnancy photo? You could be on the edge of doom at ANY MOMENT.

 

Well, apparently sisters and moms are put in your life to say "get over yourself." Which is exactly what mine did. I had one shower full of my mother-in-law's friends, who have loved on Will as he's grown-up, and now will love on the next generation of Monroe. And then I had a super laid back baby shower with my closest loved ones (IN OUR PJS!). We had mimosas and chai lattes and amazing quiches. As I opened presents, half my friends would look at the foreign object with the same "WHAT IN GOD'S NAME AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS?" look that I had, and half my friends would say "OH- THATS A BOTTLE DRYING RACK! I HAVE NO IDEA WHY IT LOOKS LIKE GRASS BUT YOULL TOTALLY LOVE IT!" Surrounded by just my closest friends, it all felt so genuine.

 

So, intended mamas, have a shower in some way. Because at some point, in the middle of your shower, you'll look around and say "Wow. These people are going to love this baby with me." (And if you're like me at all, you may think "Wow, these people are going to love me even if Dooms Day becomes a reality." And even if you think the latter thought, there's still something nice about it.) So have yourself a shower. Turns out, it's nice to feel loved.

 

- IT'S OK TO STILL BE SAD. (and anxious. and happy. and worried. and sad.)

This is something that a fellow IP told me (the one who was a former-crazy). Full disclosure: I'm still learning this.

 

I told her that I was still getting my feelings hurt about things people would say. How am I not used to it yet? Why do I still feel envious or mad or frustrated when people say things that they don't even MEAN to be hurtful? My "happy ending" (or in reality, my "happy beginning") is two weeks away from happening, but my wounds still feel so open. 

 

I've slowly learned it's not a wound that will heal without scarring. So like all big scars, this scar will always be a bit more sensitive. Someone posted something on Facebook the other day that talked about her cesarean scar and the stretch marks of pregnancy. She said she wore these as a badge of honor. Her body did something remarkable, and that's what is left behind. They're her "pregnancy battle wounds."  As IPs, we won't have those badges of honor, but we'll have a different type of scar. And we will learn to wear that emotional scar as a badge of honor, too. An emotional scar that we decided to overcome, and will continue to overcome. These past couple months, I have learned to try to be proud of that, too.

 

- HOPE WORKS.

As I've mentioned, this blog has been a great way for me to communicate with other carriers and IPs. (I didn't even mean for it to turn into that, but apparently there's a bunch of us out there navigating this very-weird-confusing-secret-society called "Infertility.") The one thing that bonds us all together, no matter the situation, is hope. Every email I get from a stranger-turned-friend is always filled with hope. It's what we all know keeps us afloat. These past couple months I've had a lot of time to reflect on the past two years. And while I still have two more weeks (and then the whole the-rest-of-his-life-thing) to hope, I've thought "THANK GOD I NEVER STOPPED HOPING." Oh man, what I would have missed! I would have missed a close, indescribable bond with another human being, who has chosen to give me the gift of motherhood. I would have missed the opportunity to have conversations with my husband that were hard and vulnerable and heart-wrenching, but brought us so close together. I would have missed friendships that were strengthened because of the women who stepped up and decided to hold me up when life really, really sucked. I would have missed my heart being softened to a population of women that struggle with their own infertility.  But instead, even when it was just a flicker, (and even when people held onto the hope when I couldn't...), hope remained.  So, luckily, I got to experience all of these things.

 

Turns out, if you keep hoping, it may really come true after all. (Stay tuned, Dooms Day could be around the corner. But if not, you folks will be the first ones to know when our totsicle enters this beautiful, brutiful world.)

Hope on,

Kendall

 

Ps. Did I mention TWO MORE WEEKS?