A Day for the Books.

If I could describe the past 24 hours, it would definitely be a mix of tears and curse words and tears and hugs and tears. I didn't know it was possible to cry this much.

 

On Tuesday I traveled to Dallas for work. It was a quick day trip, and I thought it would be perfect to distract myself the day before our big appointment. Without going into too many details (mostly because I probably still have PTSD from the experience), I miscarried in Dallas. I was scared and sad and just wanted to be home. I landed at the airport with Will waiting for me, and my wonderful friends Kate and Russell were there to drive my car home. I can't tell you what that night was like. We cried A LOT. The only silver lining was that while I was at the airport in a lot of pain, I bought little Tylenol packets in an airport kiosk. Turns out I was too panicked to read them, and they were Tylenol PM. So after a near overdose of that, the only blessing was that I could sleep.

 

The next morning we went to the appointment. We didn't do my morning shots, because what was the point? We wanted to make sure there weren't any complications from the miscarriage and move on. I was holding Will's hand looking away from the ultrasound screen, and the nurse says "well, there's the heartbeat. Do you want to hear it?" Yep. There was a freaking heartbeat, people.

 

I couldn't hear it because I was sobbing too much, so she calmly let us get our act together, and then showed us again. I am still in a fog from the entire appointment. The only two things I remember are a strong little heartbeat, and through my sobs my husband saying "wait- are you KIDDING me??" (A quote that has been repeated many times since, and one that I will never let him live down.)

 

She then explained that I have a hematoma (aka: a big pocket of blood) next to the placenta that is bleeding. (Hence my experience in Dallas.) This can be dangerous, so we're working on getting that under control. I asked how worried we should be, and she said "We're not going to overreact, but we don't want to under-react either." So I'm going to adjust some of my blood thinner shots and estrogen, and hope it begins to shrink. The worry is it continues to grow and causes bleeding issues, and/or separates the placenta from the uterus. We go back on Tuesday to see if it's any smaller and to discuss next steps.

 

We've googled a lot, and there are lots of different answers. I read this can happen to 20% of pregnancies on one site, and on one site I read that it happens in 1%. The nurse said bleeding happens often, but hematomas are more rare. She also said more than 50% of women go on to have normal pregnancies. (Considering we were told this pregnancy had a 5% chance of working, we'll take 50% odds any day.)  We are not sure if this has been the problem with all my previous miscarriages, or if this is a new issue. (I realize that none of this information really matters, I just wouldn't have done my job freaking out if I didn't fully google stalk the issue.)

 

The rollercoaster of events ended with a moment we'll probably never forget. We know we're not out of the woods and there is still lots of uncertainty ahead. But there is one thing I know for sure; I have never heard a sound more beautiful than this totsicle's beating heart.

Today, we will celebrate.

Not long ago during a softball game, I hit a double. I am pretty sure the entire city of Houston was chanting my name as I rounded 1st base and landed safely on 2nd. (At least my team was, as this was as shocking as Janet Jackson's Nipplegate circa Super Bowl 2004.)

The past 48 hours, every time Will and I discussed how my HCG numbers HAVE to double, I kept thinking of my basically-a-home-run-double and wanting my little embryo to hit this one out of the park. If my numbers didn't double, we'd know it was over.

My nurse just called and my numbers went from 51 to 174. They more then TRIPLED.  (In softball talk, this Totsicle ran right through 2nd and is rounding 3rd.) Clearly this one takes after his/her over-achieving father.

I know last time my numbers were great and still it didn't work out. However, I won't let last time jade me. Today, I will celebrate and be thankful.

We are off to Pace Family Vacation, the greatest time of the year. We will celebrate this week and anxiously await for the ultrasound in 2 weeks where we hope to hear a little heartbeat. Thank you to so many of you who have prayed and hoped and cried with us these past 48 hours. We made it another day!

Wahoo?

We're pregnant! WAHOO!!*

 

We went in this morning for the blood test to confirm the pregnancy. I was completely unprepared for bad news because we had a positive home pregnancy test, so I just went to work and waited on the call.

 

My nurse just called and said "You are pregnant! Congrats! However..." (Note: whenever someone says "however", make sure you take a deep breath before listening to rest of sentence.) She told me my "beta" number, the number that indicates positive or negative pregnancy, is low.  It is on the cut-off of indicating a positive pregnancy. But then she said "While low, we still remain hopeful as it still falls in the range of a positive test." (Translation: "Start panicking.")

 

We know that this beta number HAS to double every 48-72 hours to remain healthy, so we go back on Friday in hopes that it rises enough to still be considered a healthy pregnancy. If it is, we continue the waiting game until the ultrasound in two weeks. We do know that this indicates there is only one embryo. (Recap: last time my numbers looked great, and it wasn't until the ultrasound that we received the bad news.)  So for now, we just wait. You'd think I'd be getting better at this by now, but I think I'm getting significantly worse.

 

One of my best friends said, "It's fine! She's already a southern lady and is just taking her sweet time with those rising numbers! Don't rush the girl!" SO much love to all of those optimistic people out there. (One of our friends even calls herself a "5 percenter", as she's banking on the 5% chance this works.)

 

To our little embryo: If you hang on, I swear I'll be the type of parent that waits in line twice as long as other parents for "Frozen" paraphernalia. We love you so much already.

 

Love to all,

Kendall and Will

 

*I'm saying "WAHOO" because I want to be able to tell my future child, should this one hang on, that I was so excited when I heard the news. (And because if I say what I'm really thinking, my mom will probably wash my mouth out with soap.)