Sleepless Nights

Pace,

By the time you're old enough to read this journey, you may have already heard the phrase "It takes a village to raise a child." But what you may not have heard yet is that it took a village to have you.

Someone recently told me that the best people in your life "fill your gaps." When you can't seem to make it from one side to the other, they jump in. This blog started as a way to update our closest friends and family during a "simple" IVF journey. However, it became a village; a village of gap-fillers. Family, friends, and strangers came together to support us in a time where our gap seemed extra big and extra scary. And because of them, we were able to cross the big, scary gap to you.

To all these gap-fillers, thank you. Thank you for calling, for texting, for hoping, for praying, for crying, for sharing your stories, for learning with us, and for rejoicing with us.  We are forever changed because of you.

Before July 28, 2015 when I heard people say things like "things can change in an instant", I would think of how many times our hearts were broken in an instant.  Now, my mind flashes to when I rocked you for the first time. Because in that instant, you became the biggest gap-filler of all. You finally filled the hole in my heart that was there always waiting for you.

Little patient soul, I have no idea what is in store for your future. Your dad and I can't WAIT to see it. And while we have lots of hopes and dreams for you, our biggest hope of all is that you'll always know just how loved you are.

Now, it's time for me to go enjoy those sleepless nights.

Love,
Mom

PS. Here's a video of your story!

Pace William

Pace William Monroe was born on July 28, 2015 at 2:33 pm. He came out screaming with his bottom lip quivering, weighing in at 7lbs 3 ounces. There was no greater sound. 

Pace is my maiden name, so this little man shares his name with lots of important people. I hope every time he introduces himself, he remembers that he has a piece of all the Paces in him. I hope he has my dad's integrity, my mom's ability to love so intensely, Katie's open-mindedness, Coatney's loyalty, Calley's sense of humor, Caroline's ability to get along with everyone, and Noah's resilience. And I hope he always knows just how loved he is by all the Paces. 

His middle name is named after his dad (William Jr.) and his grandfather (William Sr.) I hope he has his grandfather's intelligence and his ability to make a mean Bourbon Slush. And I hope he is exactly like his own dad in every single way (except maybe his sulking post Texans-losses).  

And while his name is rooted in family, I also hope he also has a sense of independence. I pray he'll always have his roots grounded in family, but wings big enough to fly.

Will and I had to say a very hard "see you later" to Katy and her family, a few days after Pace was born. (More on his birth story, later.) Our love and feelings towards her and her family feels too sacred to try and explain in this avenue. But as we tried to thank her, we realized her gift to us was also encompassed in our son's name.  Pace, in Italian, means Peace. There is no better description to describe what this little patient soul embodies, and all Katy has given us.  

As I sit here and rock my one-week old, I am overcome with gratitude. But most of all, I'm overcome with peace. Because miracles do happen. 

Counting Down

oh em gee, you guys. We are 36 weeks today. (At first I thought that meant full-term, but apparently full-term isn't until 37 weeks. Whatever, Wikipedia, 36 weeks was my goal.) 

 

Can you believe this? We went from "We're going to deliver at 24 weeks!" to HolyMolyWeAreFullTerm. I'd like to say it went by very quickly (and some weeks it has). But generally speaking, I'm fairly certain Katy has been pregnant for 4.5 years.

 

We've continued with our weekly appointments, and little totsicle is doing pretty well. Sometimes he's hard-headed and doesn't move the required amount, so Katy has mastered which sugary drinks the little man likes in order to get him to "pass" his tests. (He is either the most laid back guy known to man, or he really likes all the extra attention he's getting.)

 

The biggest news is that we have SET THE DATE. We are delivering in TWO WEEKS. TWO! July 28th is D-Day. (We're delivering early for a couple reasons... long story.) Will and I were married January 28th, and Will's birthday is September 28th, so 28 is a lucky number in our house. When Katy called and said "How does July 28th sound as a day to have a baby?" I just began to cry. God loves making coincidences. We will update you on how he is upon his arrival, and if he is as preciously adorable as he looks in the ultrasounds. (I'm totally kidding. He looks like an alien in the ultrasounds. But E.T. was adorable, so I'm ok with it.)

Katy looks great, continues to amaze me with her positivity, and has become one of my closest friends. And as much as Katy amazes me, her kids amaze me even more. People have asked, "How are her kids handling this?" The answer is, "Better than most adults!" They are so generous and compassionate. Her three year old said this morning "Mama, is THIS the week we get to hold the baby?" Katy told her "two more weeks!" Then her daughter said, "ugh, that's what you said yesterday." (I feel ya, sweet darlin', time is movin at a snail's pace!) They hug the baby, kiss the baby, and read the baby stories. Her youngest even wanted to make sure I knew that I had to bring clothes to the hospital, cause the baby would be naked. How cute is that?! (I asked Katy if she'd just give me her 3-yr old instead of the baby she's currently growing. She didn't go for it.) As lucky as we are to have Katy, we're so lucky to have her kids, too.

 

But as lucky as I feel, several times the past few weeks I've struggled with feeling a bit isolated. I've been around a lot of pregnant folks recently, and at times struggled with feeling sorry for myself that I wasn't one of them, and/or having worries or anxiety about issues around our "situation."  

 

(Fertility gibberish defined: "intended parents", or IPs, are what Will and I are called. "Gestational Carrier", or GC, is what Katy is called.)

 

So when I get into one of these funks, it's been helpful to reach out to another IP, who has gone through it before me.  (I've learned that when one wants to feel less crazy, it's helpful to talk to someone who's been down the same path you're on.  More than likely, they'll make you feel less-crazy by telling you that they were equally-as-crazy when they were in your shoes. It's crazy how another crazy can make you less crazy). Learning this, it's made me start thinking about what I want other IPs to know.

 

THINGS I'VE LEARNED IN THE THIRD TRIMESTER:

(FOR ALL MY INTENDED-PARENTS OUT THERE)

 

- HAVE A BABY SHOWER.

Yall, if you knew how much I fought having a baby shower, you may never be my friend. (ie: At one point, I think it was a full-fledged temper-tantrum.)  I had such anxiety about it. Why, oh why, would I have a baby shower? That's weird. I'm not pregnant. This pregnancy journey has been full of such highs and lows. I want to just constantly yell at everyone "THINGS CAN STILL GO WRONG, PEOPLE!" A sweet friend of mine recently had a stillborn. Don't people know that you aren't out of the clear until your baby is HERE?? Why do you look so carefree in that pregnancy photo? You could be on the edge of doom at ANY MOMENT.

 

Well, apparently sisters and moms are put in your life to say "get over yourself." Which is exactly what mine did. I had one shower full of my mother-in-law's friends, who have loved on Will as he's grown-up, and now will love on the next generation of Monroe. And then I had a super laid back baby shower with my closest loved ones (IN OUR PJS!). We had mimosas and chai lattes and amazing quiches. As I opened presents, half my friends would look at the foreign object with the same "WHAT IN GOD'S NAME AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS?" look that I had, and half my friends would say "OH- THATS A BOTTLE DRYING RACK! I HAVE NO IDEA WHY IT LOOKS LIKE GRASS BUT YOULL TOTALLY LOVE IT!" Surrounded by just my closest friends, it all felt so genuine.

 

So, intended mamas, have a shower in some way. Because at some point, in the middle of your shower, you'll look around and say "Wow. These people are going to love this baby with me." (And if you're like me at all, you may think "Wow, these people are going to love me even if Dooms Day becomes a reality." And even if you think the latter thought, there's still something nice about it.) So have yourself a shower. Turns out, it's nice to feel loved.

 

- IT'S OK TO STILL BE SAD. (and anxious. and happy. and worried. and sad.)

This is something that a fellow IP told me (the one who was a former-crazy). Full disclosure: I'm still learning this.

 

I told her that I was still getting my feelings hurt about things people would say. How am I not used to it yet? Why do I still feel envious or mad or frustrated when people say things that they don't even MEAN to be hurtful? My "happy ending" (or in reality, my "happy beginning") is two weeks away from happening, but my wounds still feel so open. 

 

I've slowly learned it's not a wound that will heal without scarring. So like all big scars, this scar will always be a bit more sensitive. Someone posted something on Facebook the other day that talked about her cesarean scar and the stretch marks of pregnancy. She said she wore these as a badge of honor. Her body did something remarkable, and that's what is left behind. They're her "pregnancy battle wounds."  As IPs, we won't have those badges of honor, but we'll have a different type of scar. And we will learn to wear that emotional scar as a badge of honor, too. An emotional scar that we decided to overcome, and will continue to overcome. These past couple months, I have learned to try to be proud of that, too.

 

- HOPE WORKS.

As I've mentioned, this blog has been a great way for me to communicate with other carriers and IPs. (I didn't even mean for it to turn into that, but apparently there's a bunch of us out there navigating this very-weird-confusing-secret-society called "Infertility.") The one thing that bonds us all together, no matter the situation, is hope. Every email I get from a stranger-turned-friend is always filled with hope. It's what we all know keeps us afloat. These past couple months I've had a lot of time to reflect on the past two years. And while I still have two more weeks (and then the whole the-rest-of-his-life-thing) to hope, I've thought "THANK GOD I NEVER STOPPED HOPING." Oh man, what I would have missed! I would have missed a close, indescribable bond with another human being, who has chosen to give me the gift of motherhood. I would have missed the opportunity to have conversations with my husband that were hard and vulnerable and heart-wrenching, but brought us so close together. I would have missed friendships that were strengthened because of the women who stepped up and decided to hold me up when life really, really sucked. I would have missed my heart being softened to a population of women that struggle with their own infertility.  But instead, even when it was just a flicker, (and even when people held onto the hope when I couldn't...), hope remained.  So, luckily, I got to experience all of these things.

 

Turns out, if you keep hoping, it may really come true after all. (Stay tuned, Dooms Day could be around the corner. But if not, you folks will be the first ones to know when our totsicle enters this beautiful, brutiful world.)

Hope on,

Kendall

 

Ps. Did I mention TWO MORE WEEKS?

Bluebellgate Update

We've hit 26 weeks! These past couple weeks have been even more painstakingly slow than the first trimester (if that's even possible). However, the roller-coaster has seemed to have slowed down a bit, and we're beginning to get our bearings again.  (And may even eat ice-cream again someday, soon!)

Katy has been a complete champ. (If this little patient soul gets daddy's persistence, mommy's bull-headedness, and carrier's strength, there's going to be no stopping this one!) She successfully completed her IV treatments through home health and can probably teach a class on PICC lines.  She's feeling better and has been great at reassuring us when she feels the baby move. 

After speaking with specialists both in Houston and Dallas, our doctors feel like with non-stress tests and ultrasounds, they'll be able to predict if prenatal distress (ie: stillborn) will occur within the next 7 days.  Katy will continue to go in weekly for tests, and only when/if something looks concerning, will we deliver. If the baby has other complications caused be listeria (blindness, meningitis, seizures, etc.), delivering him early would not alleviate those issues (and we won't know about such issues until birth.) So we'll just continue to pray he'll be healthy upon delivery, and keep repeating our new mantra: "we'll cross that bridge when we get there."

While Bluebellgate will be part of our story, (because it was such a non-eventful story before this...) we are still hoping it's not one that will define our story. Each week we'll wait with anticipation that our little totsicle will continue cooking for another week and continue to thank our lucky stars that we're still passengers on the roller-coaster.

Love to all,
Kendall and Will

Answers bring more questions

Thank you all for your prayers, worried texts, and messages of support.

First, the antibodies came back negative. Huge relief.  However, we've learned more about what this test shows, and it's not exactly what we previously thought. The lack of antibodies just means that Katy isn't fighting off the infection caused by listeria (listeriosis). This is great news, because we want Katy to be healthy (not just for our baby, but for her three little babies!) This also shows that hopefully she won't have any more effects from the listeria that she was previously experiencing (contractions, vomiting, fever, etc.), which is ah-mazing.  However, unfortunately the lack of antibodies doesn't mean that the baby wasn't exposed.

Enter: gray area. (We're hoping the area will become a lot more black/white as the weeks progress.)

Our understanding is that it's impossible to ever be sure if Baby M is currently being infected by the listeria, (except through testing the spinal fluid or brain fluid, which can't be done in utero.) So based on what we know so far and what doctors' have seen, we'll move forward with the likelihood that baby M was exposed. This means weekly appointments, ultrasounds, monitoring baby's weight, monitoring changes in the placenta, and weekly stress tests. The second anything changes and we see the baby is in distress through these tests, we'd deliver.  However, many times there isn't a warning, and perinatal death just occurs. So there tends to be a fine line between the risks of a premature birth, and risking the possible effect listeria could have. (ie: do we risk taking him at 28 weeks, when he may have been fine until 34 weeks, and then struggle with the issues of a 28 week premature baby? Or do we risk keeping him "cooking" longer, and then risk the complications from listeria?)

Because we aren't sure, (and the doctors aren't sure) about what week is the magic number, we plan on talking to lots of specialists (both in Houston and in Dallas), as well as talking to some neonatologists (aka: newborn docs). We have scheduled appointments in Dallas with two different doctors on Monday morning (week from today), and hopefully we'll be closer with a plan of action by then. In the meantime, all doctors tend to agree on her same treatment of IV antibiotics, so she'll continue with that.

We'll keep you all updated with what we learn/decide in the next few weeks.

Little patient soul, today you are 23 weeks. Our little "week-by-week" cards tell us that you're forming taste buds this week. I can't wait to see you taste a lemon for the first time or your first lick of an ice cream cone. (Albeit, not likely Blue Bell.) Just please keep hanging in there, as we aren't quite ready to meet you yet. But when you make it here, I promise the taste of life will be worth it.

Love to all,
K & W

a frozen bump in the road

Remember when I wrote last week that "things are a little TOO good to be true?" Well, let's just call that a mother's intuition.

This week we hit a big ol' frozen bump in the road.

(Note: After reading you're going to want to scroll to the bottom of this to see if this says "April Fools." However, it's April 10th, and I promise you I'm entirely too tired for this joke.)

Last Tuesday, Katy got really sick. She had some contractions and muscle tightening, and just a really nasty stomach bug. She felt really, really sick for several hours, and then slowly got better until she was back to normal by Easter morning. Then this past Tuesday, a week later, she got a call from her local Kroger. (They tracked her down by her Kroger Card.) They let her know that she purchased Blue Bell ice-cream that had been recalled because of the bacteria, listeria. The symptoms? Everything that happened to her the previous week, just about 12 hours after she ate a bowl of Blue Bell ice-cream.  (Pickles and Ice-cream are supposed to be the staple of a pregnant woman's diet, right?!)

She made a call to our obgyn, who told her to come in ASAP. Then she was referred to a perinatologist (aka: high risk pregnancy doc). By Wednesday afternoon, she was admitted to the hospital.

Listeria is a form of food-poisoning, that many of us may have contracted at different points in our lives. However, in pregnant people, it's very dangerous. The CDC website says the bacteria in pregnancy causes "miscarriages, premature delivery, infection to the newborn (meningitis, paralysis, seizures, blindness, or impairments of the brain, heart, or kidney), and 22% of cases with perinatal listeriosis result in stillborn or neonatal death."  

(Many of you have been following this Blue Bell debacle as it is spread all over every media outlet. If you haven't, google "Blue Bell" and settle in for the night, cause there's enough reading to entertain you for hours.)

Right now, we're waiting for two results. First, her cultures. This blood test will tell us if listeria is currently in her blood stream. Because she's not sick any longer, we really think/hope this will be negative. We won't find that out til mid next week. (They grow the cultures in the lab, and apparently they can't speed that up.) The second test is to test for antibodies. If the test shows a positive result for listeria antibodies, then it's likely the baby has been exposed. If it's negative, it's likely she was either able to a) expel the bacteria before her body had to form antibodies or b) she never contracted the bacteria.

We were really hoping to have the antibody blood test back today. However, we have spoken with doctors (both specialists here in Houston and in Dallas), and we feel like we have a general game plan with either outcome of the results.

If the result is positive, then it's a balancing act of debating how long to keep Baby M in the womb and risk horrific things happening, and when to get him out and risk premature problems. Viability is 23 weeks and 3 days. We will hit 23 weeks this Monday. We are praying and hoping and crossing everything in our body that if it's positive, we will be able to keep him in that warm little womb until 28 weeks. That decreases his likelihood of lifelong problems drastically. We'd work with doctors in Dallas and in Houston to find the best spot for her to deliver. (If we have time to control it, she'd most likely deliver in Houston so the little tot could be at Texas Children's.) The plan will be for her to continue on the same regimen she's on right now (an IV antibiotic treatment 3 times a day). 

If it's negative, we will still continue cautiously. Because the Perinatologist said "If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it may not be a duck but we're going to treat it like one", she is going to continue on the IV antibiotic treatment 3 times a day, for 14 days. After that, we will monitor her and the baby weekly by stress tests and ultrasounds. If the baby is ever not gaining weight and/or if the placenta starts to look like it's infected, we'd deliver immediately.

But for now, all we can do is wait. 

Our spirits are higher today than they have been the past two days, although we're very tired and feel like we've been run over by a truck. However, we believe in the religion of Bob Marley, and we know that "every little thing, is gonna be alright."

Love to all,

Kendall and Will

(If you're anything like our families, we know you probably have 100 questions and comments. We thank you for following our story! But please know if I don't get to your questions/texts/emails/messages, we SO appreciate your concern and I will respond as soon as I can!)

Movin' and Groovin' (literally!)

We are past the halfway point, people!! In 2 weeks, we will hit the "age of viability." The age in which if our little totsicle came into the world, survival may be possible. This is mind boggling to me. This pregnancy has been the biggest whirlwind while also being the most agonizingly slow wait. It's some sort of weird combination between the two.

 

Will and I are continuing to go to Dallas monthly for our visits. Last visit was our last ultrasound where they checked out the babe's organs.  We found out that he is definitely a he! We saw his heart beating a strong beat. We saw his eyes flinching like they're trying to open and blink. We saw him yawn and suck his thumb. We saw him cross and uncross his legs each time the ultrasound tech pushed on him. He's just movin' and groovin' in there. He looked like the most perfect little alien you ever have seen.

While we are bursting with excitement, this time has been more emotional for me than the previous weeks. Katy is really beginning to show, and she felt him kick for the first time. (Katy always drinks water, and she stopped for a cherry limeade and the little dude went nuts! And yall, I LOVE cherry limeades! I think we're going to get along well.) I am so unbelievably excited, while also feeling like something horrific is about to happen. It feels like life is a little TOO good right now. Perhaps I'll feel like this until I'm holding him, or perhaps the feeling will begin to fade. But as we have talks of baby showers (don't ask my mom or my sisters about the amount of tears that were just shed over THAT talk) and nursery furniture, I feel like we're jinxing it all. However, at the exact same time, I feel actually EXCITED.  It's a weird emotion to feel-- so excited and so scared.

 

Many of you may remember last Easter. I miscarried on Easter Sunday last year. Sometimes I still feel like that day was yesterday.  Sometimes I still feel like I'm grieving what could have been. However, we continue to remember the Easter message that was applicable to us last year, this year, and maybe every day in between: A new season will come. There is always hope. What looks like the end might just be the beginning.

Happy Easter,

Kendall (and Will)

Ps. Here's one video we made to announce to some of our friends that we were expecting!

We went to a place to just find out the gender, and didn't tell our families we were finding out. Katy told a friend of mine the gender, and then she then handed us the right color silly string without us knowing until we sprayed one another!   (Funny story-- Will is color-blind, and thought it was pink at first. Good news is that he was excited for both genders!)

 

 

 

P.S.S. We told Will's family it was a boy by giving them cupcakes with blue inside the cupcake. (We video taped when we told them, but the video didn't work!)  We told my family by giving them Easter baskets. Each basket had different eggs with candy in them... and only ONE egg had the gender. So they each quickly opened every egg they could to find it!)